life, hold the salt.

i can't believe i did this.

2010-06-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

i just bought that swim suit.

*pause for reaction*

yeah, i know, right?!? i was just talking about how long it's been since i've had one... i can't really remember wearing one after the age of 12/13, so i'm estimating about 16 years? i'm still no where near confident enough to wear a bathing suit outside the house ~ even w/ a cover up (yes, i'm THAT insecure about my body) ~ but i feel like the time is right to start confronting those feelings.

and home, alone, is the best place to start, LMAO.

maybe by next summer i'll actually be prepared to take the next step: bathing suit + cover up in public. :D

i can't wait til it gets here so that i can try it on. according to the reviews, it runs large, so i'm hoping i don't have to go through the rigamarole of returning, exchanging, waiting, etc. i bought a size down, to be safe, but it's hard to know if that'll be enough.

fyi, like so many of my clothes, i found the suit on oldnavy.com.

xoxox.

inspiration.

2010-06-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

this is my ideal, dream body (no joke).

i know lots of people ~ most, in fact ~ will look at london and say "ick, she's fat!" i, on the other hand, would LOVE to look like this... she looks great in and out of clothes, obviously works out (look at her tummy ~ and no cellulite!), but still looks like she eats a piece of cake once in awhile.

and the greatest thing about having this as my ideal: it's actually attainable! not just in general, but for me, specifically! well, sans DD boobies anyway. my body is already beginning to take this general shape ~ all hips/thighs with a smaller waist. (or, it WILL be smaller... there's just an indent where a waist should be now, lmao.) i need to lose my stomach and tone up in a bad way, though.

furthermore, seeing this pic on tumblr this morning got me to start the sit-up regimen i've been meaning to start for weeks, so that's yet another benefit. :)

don't get me wrong: tennis class is great for cardiovascular and aerobic exercise, but i need to focus on muscle-building while at home. as i've said before, i've seen from others that the inner thigh, lower tummy, and triceps respond well to exercises, so it's totally within my power to NOT have excess skin from weight loss. now i just have to get off my ass and do it, LOL.

speaking of tennis class: it's going great!!! although i like to operate under the delusion that i'm preternaturally awesome at everything, and tennis makes those dreams die twice a week, i still like it. and i think i AM naturally athletic to a certain extent. my brain is, anyway. now i need to connect my brain with my muscle coordination center and all will be well! :D

but seriously, the wii fit is always talking about the mind-body connection, saying that daily exercise enhances it, blah blah blah. i guess all these years of being fat and avoiding exercise at all costs have allowed not only my body, but also certain parts of my brain, to atrophy. maybe by the end of the semester, i'll be actually decent at tennis. oh, and i will probably buy some balls, so i can play against the wall for practice. i'm not good enough to play a full-on game yet! ^_^

xoxox.

target weight reward program.

2010-06-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

up until recently, i hadn't really thought of exactly what i'd do when i get in the range of my target weight/size. i've been thinking about it more and more, and have decided on only a few:

1) [an obvious one] spend an ungodly amount of money replenishing my wardrobe. as i've posted about, my clothes are down to a few utilitarian pieces, which i can deal w/ for now, in light of the greater achievements i'm focusing on. i need to start a savings account for this, somehow, even if it's only $20 per month. one thing i will definitely buy, though i can't imagine wearing it, is a bathing suit. i literally haven't owned one since i was a child, and i haven't worn one in probably 20 years.

2) i'm going to cut my hair. and not short-for-me like i decided last post, but audrey hepburn short (see La Reine, above). my hair won't look like hers, no matter what, b/c it's so wavy that when extra-short, well... it looks a lot like my head is covered in finger waves. and i can deal w/ that.

3) i'm going to take a trip. i don't know where to yet, and that will depend a lot on budgetary restrictions (apparently, i am somehow equating weight loss w/ financial liquidity LOL). i DO know, however, that it'll be to somewhere i have never been before, that i'd like it to be a roadtrip, and that i will most likely go it alone. not that i won't make stops and visits, but the trip itself will be done on my own steam. oh, and one other factor: it will definitely be a maximum ~ and even this is pushing it ~ of 5 days b/c i can't leave teh kittehs for too long. :))

i hope this "weight wishlist" grows longer and that other, more incorporeal items are added as i think about it. we'll see.

on a completely different note, i started a tumblr. for me, it's the ideal bridge between twitter and a full-on blog ~ much more so than facebook. sometimes i just post pics, but occasionally, i also write a bit on non-weight-related things. if you have a tumblr, let me know: i'm always looking for new peeps to follow!

xoxox.

cookie sunday.

2010-05-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

i went w/ something bigger this week (size does matter 'round these parts, LOL): the calypso cookie from publix. it's basically one giant coconut macaroon. it's a ton of coconut, a few pecans, and a little sugar cookie batter to bind it altogether. it was worth it. :))

xoxox.

salt: the new high-fructose corn syrup.

2010-05-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

(i was inspired by a story in today's ny times.)

i've been seeing anti-salt stories pop up everywhere lately, and while i'm glad we're talking about it, i'm also disturbed by the back-and-forth...

although i guess i really shouldn't be, considering this is america, and extremely polarized news stories are a way of life.

the other day on the colbert show, some PR chick from a salt distributers' group basically said to the government "hands off our salt." hey, if it works for the NRA, right? *sigh* but the other side is no better, with folks demonizing salt in general and blaming it for all america's ills. SPOILER ALERT: neither viewpoint is entirely accurate.

first, sodium is DIFFERENT from salt (a great breakdown of the differences can be found here). the salt component found in packaged foods is sodium and is not only chemically different, but also is a more concentrated substance. of course, most everyone knows that cutting out packaged foods is a healthy decision, but i also like to use unsalted products as often as possible. i prefer to have flavor control in my hands, as well as substituting kosher salt (other than sea salt, the most nutrient-packed form available) when necessary, rather than eating sodium.

weird, nerd-chef digression: another reason salt is beneficial is b/c the iodized form, which a lot of us don't think about b/c morton's is ubiquitous, was originally made to stave off malnutritional diseases. before mass canning, IQF, and eventually "big food" became a way of american life, land-locked citizens would get goiters, infections, and sometimes even die because their diets lacked iodine. iodized salt was the first, government-sponsored step in equalizing nutritional standards for all citizens.

while i eat very, very little sodium/salt, i still recognize that our bodies do need SOME salt. on the other hand, america's RDA of sodium, which is 2400 mg, is almost 1,000 mg more than any other industrialized country, which have ranges from 1400 - 1600 mg. (sidebar: the u.s. recommends that people w/ high blood pressure consume no more than 1,500 mg... i wonder what a u.k. doctor would recommend, considering that's about their upper limit?)

sure, 2,400 mg is only a teaspoon or so of salt, but take a look at most products in the grocery store: they're loaded with it! and don't even get me started on restaurant food... fast food is especially bad, of course, but even good restos use a lot of salt. that said, the products that kill me most are the weight loss meals... each one has about 30% RDA of sodium ~ that way, you can eat three and still be under the already-too-high limit, yay! also: vegan/vegetarian products... i used to eat these as a "healthy" alternative, and sure, they don't have cholesterol and saturated fats, but DAMN do they have a ton of sodium!

anyway, my point is that the facts are more important than the spin. i'd love for everyone to be more aware of their salt intake, though, because nutrition labels are a trip... i've been shocked more than once by them.

xoxox.

in which i talk about my boobs.

2010-05-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

don't judge me for wanting to make that picture my phone background, every avatar picture ever, and my latest status update, LOL!

in preparation for this summer's tennis class, i bought some "active wear," including two sports bras. but, b/c i'm me, i couldn't just buy a REGULAR one, i needed to have the push-up, padded sports bra (thank god for old navy!). the dreaded uni-boob is still in full effect, and the girls don't jiggle like they're supposed to, but damn do i have cleavage! i love it.

also, i'm not a fan of showing undergarments, but i feel like the sports bra is the one place i can get away with it, especially when in a tank top. for instance, i'm not worried at all that the bra is a racerback, and the piping on the sides is actually cute.

and yes, this post was a total excuse for a boob picture... so what? :)~

xoxox.

working on m'fitness.

2010-05-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

today's break-kayce's-shit move: the scissors.

um, wow. again, the exercise looks relatively easy, and yet, i'm pretty sure that at least one set of my abdominal muscles gave up on life this morning. i thought this workout was supposed to be for my legs...? whatever, pilates.

to be fair, i made it extra hard on myself by using the yellow (easy) band on one leg, and the blue (hardest) band on the other, then switching. i could only do 10 reps on one side, and 5 on the other, LMAO. obviously, i highly recommend this move. :D

xoxox.

i feel ugly.

2010-05-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

i don't know why, but lately, i've been struggling w/ feeling... i don't know: "not attractive" would be better than ugly, i guess.

the funny thing is, i have a relatively straightforward view of myself, but i just feel infantilized by my whole look ~ my clothes, my hair, the fact that i don't wear makeup: everything. i hate that everyone thinks i'm somewhere between 18 and 21, LOL. i'm sure a lot of people would like to have that problem, but i kind of feel insulted by it, for some reason.

to rectify this, i have been thinking about cutting my hair so that it's more flattering. i don't like short hair, but i don't know how to wear my hair long in a way that's not too fussy, but also looks grown up. i don't like having to spend a lot of time getting ready, for instance: i don't own a blow dryer, curling iron, or any styling products (i don't count leave-in conditioner). i wish, sometimes, that i was more classically feminine in that way, where i had this lengthy hair/makeup routine that i had to perform before facing the world. ugh, i digress, LOL.

anywho, every time i think about cutting my hair, i also think that the desire is just a symptom; that what i really want is to change a lot of things about my LIFE, and that cutting my hair would just be a cop out. like, on the topic of infantilization: it's not just my look that makes me feel like a frigging 18 year-old, it's everything about my life. i hate meeting new people and talking about how i'm in school at 30 (well, 29... 30 in august), or that i don't have a career, or family, or a lot of the other things that people in my age group have.

in fact, the only responsible/well-adjusted/awesome thing i'm doing IS losing weight, but that's not generally-accepted small talk. :D

i'm a mess today, LOL. i really don't mean to be complain-y, but sometimes being completely honest about my limitations and struggles helps me get on a course of action. so i guess today's lesson is that i just need to do for my life what i did for my weight: pick one thing, change it, and build on that. and like my weight loss, i just need to change the most obvious and controllable thing and focus on that for awhile. i don't know what that is yet, but i'll post when i do. ^_^

xoxox.

(sidebar: that picture above made me laugh so hard i could barely write this post! god that dog cracks me up ~ a good laugh always makes my day!)

the life cycle of pants.™

2010-05-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

i spent 30 minutes trying to find a site to create the above infographic, and TOTALLY FORGOT that i could just draw and scan my own (which took me less than 30 minutes all told). *sigh* this is one example of how technology has ruined me.

so anyway, the life cycle. :))

i was inspired to write this post b/c over the past few days, i've felt my pants getting loose all over again. i thought it was just me, but a friend told me this morning that he's noticing me continue to drop weight: good news. i love when even friends who see me daily notice a difference.

the slacks i wear all the time are ones that i bought back in november. at the time (as the infographic expresses), they were too tight. not so much so that i couldn't wear them, but i felt completely self-conscious when i did. because of that, i didn't wear them regularly until about february, which led to all 4 pairs quickly becoming staple-wear. (sidebar: those gap jeans i bought a few months ago are for shit. i should've gotten a MUCH smaller size than i did, but needless to say, i don't wear them anymore.)

i'm saying ALL this to say: my oft-used slacks are now at stage three and i have to start thinking about "buying new shit." luckily, the slacks are from the regular women's department, not plus-sized, so i think that despite their being 100% cotton, i can squeeze a couple more months out of them with minimal sagging/unpleasantness. we'll see.

xoxox.

contemplating authorship.

2010-05-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

(note: the only connection between hotty mchotpants above, and this post, is that i googled "sexy nerd" [the aesthetic i aspire to one day espouse] and he popped up. you're welcome.)

don't laugh.

i can't believe i even typed it out loud ~ god help me ~ because it desperately screams "30-something in crisis!" but i'm serious.

at least 3 people have urged me in the same direction, even before i started blogging about my weight loss, and i've always pooh-pooh'd the idea. i just feel like my voice, perspective, and/or approach wouldn't necessarily add anything new to the conversation, but i'm beginning to think otherwise.

granted, i'm still very much in the will-i-won't-i stage, and i need to do quite a lot of research before deciding both if and how to proceed. said research will mainly consist of lots of barnes & nobles trips to peruse the tragic ass tragedy that is the "self-help" section. *dry heave* i don't love it, but that's my audience.

the only reason i'm even taking this dalliance seriously is b/c a good friend of mine, rafael solece, always wanted to be an author. so, over the course of the last three years, he wrote his book and self-published it. it's a completely different genre, et cetera, but he's still living proof that it can be done. and irrespective of how many copies he sells, that's success in my book.

anyway: thoughts?

xoxox.